Choices

Two people screaming at each other, they always did when there was any sort of disagreement. I would hide under my covers and pretend as hard as I could that it wasn’t happening. It never worked, I fell asleep to that far more times than I can count.

I hated it.

They weren’t awful parents, when things went wrong, it went very wrong. Raised voices and hands to correct what ever the issue was. This environment diminished my will to fight back whenever I encountered conflict. This has followed me into my adult life. Breaking through it has been one of my biggest barriers and still is to this day.

I was very concerned that I would pass this on to my children. Over the years growing up I heard time and time again that you will be like your parents, that decision wasn’t mine. That scared me, a lot. It took many years of my wife convincing me and finally convincing myself that I did have a choice. I can break the cycle, I don’t have to follow anyone’s footprints, I can make my own. Footprints that my children will courageously follow.

Now I have adult children that are strong in their will to standup for themselves. I did not do this alone, I have a wonderful partner that helped me with this journey. She showed me what was possible and helped convince me that I wasn’t stuck. I still struggle with these ghosts that haunt me from my past but I am working on trying to ignore them. They are the past, I can not change what has happened.

My wife, my children and now my grandchildren are a constant reminder of what is possible. Nothing is impossible if you surround yourself with people who encourage, inspire and push you to be yourself.

I am finding a voice through my writing, though it is hard to dig up the past and put the words down. I want others to know that despite your past and how it has shaped you, there is a choice. You can convince yourself you are stuck or move forward.

We are all products of our environment, you are not alone in your doubts and insecurities. We all have them, everyone.

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