The Dilemma of Believing in Love

My What If's and What Not's

Beauty blooms in its season and like the petals of a flower open in due season, so does every stage in our lives unfold when it’s time.

I’m a staunch believer of the adage — there’s a time for everything — because life is about having faith and believing in the hope that our lives will align with their destined purpose and our hearts will find their fated mate — the one who will complete the final piece of the puzzle.

My puzzle is beginning to unravel. I’m lost in the sea of broken pieces and misshaped cards that it’s difficult to know which pieces truly fit together. I feel betrayed by my heart and the universe because both want different things.

Alas, my heart flutters and it’s beautiful, more than I ever imagined, but time isn’t standing still and everything is surely against my conviction.

I’m in love, and he is a special kind of man. I feel all fuzzy when I think about him and when we talk, I get lost in my world with him and forget about life itself. I’m alive when I think about our time together and although we are oceans apart, it feels like he’s always near and close to my beating heart.

We are in love, yet, it feels like the universe and life itself don’t want this hope to bloom. It feels right, yet so wrong like we’re caught between opposing sides, wanting to tear us apart.

Believing in love has been the simplest part of my life — my published stories are based on that belief. I’ve not had the most tumultuous journey finding love, I have been in love, I believe in love, I have had my fair share of heartbreaks, yet, I never allowed it to dim the promise of true love and always held on to the hope of finding mine.

I think I finally found mine and I want to hold on to this love with all my heart. I want to believe my happily ever after will come true, but, what if it doesn’t. What if I don’t have the strength to wait until the time is right enough as I always believed. What if I wasn’t even supposed to wait. What do I do if he isn’t the one?

We’ve known each other a little over two years now and we’ve had a beautiful relationship, supporting our dreams and helping each other grow. We’ve had our highs and lows, our moments of hurt and pain, of grief and joy, of love and hope. We have each other’s backs, appreciate our efforts, and have the utmost respect for each other. I feel adored, loved, and special and don’t ever want this to ever end because I’ve found my match.

The day we met, I knew our friendship would be forever, even when I wasn’t sure where we were headed, and now, when I feel fairly certain about us, I’m faced with either waiting for us to tackle life together or jump ship and create connections with partners ready to walk down the aisle tomorrow and protect their lineage rather than build a marriage on based on love and friendship as I have always dreamed.

The feminine biological timepiece has been the bane of my existence since I turned a decade and a half, and at every turn, it gets flung in my face as a lifeline to consider whenever I’m thinking about making the most foolish decision of my life.

I made a promise to my young self to marry my best friend, I do what to keep that promise but how do I know this is it? How do I not make the most devastating decision of my life by choosing wrongly? How do I not lose something beautiful to doubt and life itself?

What do I do with this dilemma? Believing in love should be a beautiful thing. Shouldn’t it? So, why do I feel like a train wreck, wanting to hold on and let go in the same breath?

I’m a little unsteady, but one thing is forever true, I’ll never stop loving him. Time may be on the harsher side for us at the moment and our expectations maybe a little underwater, sinking with each tide like a ship without an anchor, but I truly believe love is worth waiting for. Despite my doubts and the pressure all around, I want to hold to my hope in love, just a little longer.

I deserve that happy ever after, I crave it so bad my heart hurts. All I want is a love that’s deeply rooted, real, and true. Not rushed, and worldly. Not pressured, and forced. Not managed, and short-term. I want a love so raw it bleeds, a love so real, it pulses with life. Am I wrong to want these things, and feel these feelings?

Love is the reason for living, I don’t want to live any other way. Believing in love has been my greatest gift in life, I’m never letting go.

Sharing my stories on the medium blog has had a great impact on my life. Thank you for reading this personal piece. If you enjoyed it, kindly drop a comment and 50 claps to support my stories.

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