I Gained The Weight Back And Now I Have To Deal With It

Part One

As I traveled to work, riding in the back of some Asian man’s van, I wallowed in my sadness. My heart was broken. I was faced with my failure. I mean I saw it every day, but I had been ignoring it. This time I couldn’t ignore it. I was smacked across the face with it. How did I let this happen? The feeling was reminiscent of the way you feel when someone you really like breaks up with you. But I don’t like this version of myself and I certainly do not want to stay this way.

Today I had nothing in my closet to wear to work. The dress code at my teaching job is very relaxed, no inappropriate shirts or ripped jeans, but mostly everything else is okay. Everything I could possibly wear was in the hamper, as I’d worn everything that fit last week. I thought I would find something, but there was nothing. Everything I had left was a size too small.

I’ve been all over the map with my weight — 301, 272, 230 but I struggled to get below 230 and I certainly haven’t seen less than 200 on the scale since my senior year of high school. Last year when I dropped down to under 220 lbs, I started buying a few items that were a size smaller (from a size 18 to a size 16). I slowly started to give away a few of my bigger pants and jeans. I had no idea, I was going to gain the weight back. I thought for sure this was it. This time I’m gonna do it.

Last summer in the midst of the pandemic while so many people complained about gaining weight, I was on a roll with my health and weight loss. By the time I started my YouTube channel (August 2020) I had lost 50 lbs over the past year and I continued on that path up until late November. On November 7th I saw 199 on the scale and I was a mix of excited and emotional. I did it! And just as quickly I undid it!

As I searched my closet, my dresser, the hallway closet, I had to talk myself out of having a full on break down. Breathe you will find something! Tears were ready and waiting to make their debut, but my Uber would be there in 5 minutes, I had no time for a break down. I threw on some leggings and a dress I didn’t like. The dress was wrinkled. With two minutes remaining til my car would arrive, I took everything off and prayed I could get into a pair of size 16 of jeans.

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