Dreams Not Yet Realized?

Back when I was 12 or 13, I began playing the piano by ear. My motivation was the Soundtrack for the motion picture “The Sting". The marvelous adaptation of Scott Joplin’s early 1900’s ragtime music by the late Marvin Hamlisch.

I had taken no piano lessons but started playing “The Entertainer" by ear. I just had to figure it out. Those were the magical first few weeks of music in my life. I started to try to play like Elton John and learned his songs as well. Then I moved on to lots of popular artists and gradually began to generate my own compositions.

As time went on I became known as the “Pianoman” in my neighbourhood. I played at all the parties, school shows etc. I composed a five minute long song for my graduation and received a standing ovation from students and teachers alike. I always remember my grade 11 math teacher saying to me, “Don’t worry about your lousy math marks you’ve got a great future writing music”!!

Things were looking good.

Fast forward, I set my sights on studying music at Humber College in Toronto and got an audition to the music program basically playing ragtime music by ear. (My music reading skills were atrocious) I did however also compose music and it was those performances that got me accepted into the renowned school of music program.

My time at Humber was humbling. Suddenly everyone was an improvement over me. All of my peers could read music, play their instruments fantastically, sight sing sheet music….yikes, I felt out of my league immediately. These folks were good! Not fakes like me.

It was at that point I first began the self induced psychological blocking out of any and all compliments or positive feedback I would receive. This would haunt me and bring a crashing halt to my life plan for a promising career as a composer/musician.

Fast forward about 35 years. It’s 2020. What happened in between is a story for another day.

So why the history? Why harken back to the early days. Well the reason is that after 35 years of job after job after career after career move that led to nothing but more dreaming, I am now determined to get my music out there. Why after all this time? Because I will never feel complete if I don’t. Psychological problems have literally kept me at the starting blocks all of these years. It’s depressing to think about. So I try not to.

But I think about those just getting started in their careers

Too many young students today graduate from high school or college not really knowing what they want to do for their life’s work. Knowing your passion from an early age like I did is like getting your future gift wrapped. That’s what I had. But I was too lacking in confidence to proceed with that gift. Too afraid of what people would think of my music…of me. Big lifelong mistake…

It means nothing what the others think. I know that now. Sure I’m still afraid to be criticized. It’s built in and I must fight this feeling that I’m really no good.

If you don’t add your passion and dreams to your life plan you will not live the fullest life you can. You will always wonder, “What would have happened if I had followed my dreams"?

Spending your life not expressing your particular gift can be like a prison sentence for some. Trying to forget about your passion will be pointless in the long run. You can move on to other interests in life, but your passion will continue to bubble underneath and slowly eat away at you. Eventually you get to a point where nothing else matters but your dreams.

For me this was the beginning of the next stage of life. It comes with a lot of ups and downs. Procrastination has always been right there beside me. That’s an old friend who shows up a lot, bringing constant distractions. Procrastination carries obstacles I have never overcome because It’s become easier to turn away from my work because I spent years having no confidence in my musical ability. I have managed to push the panic button each time I get remotely close to achieving something. Remember I ignored any compliments I received and thus never gave myself a chance to succeed (or even not to succeed).

So how to move forward now?

What can people with ‘not yet realized dreams’ do? Life long passions waiting?

One plus in my quest is I’m still hungry. I never wrote 5 hit albums and never burnt out from touring at 27 years of age. I feel like my best stuff is still to come…

I also have a pretty much free support system from online books and blogs, to websites where composers can test out their material and get feedback from their own peers…amazing! (that one’s called Metapop by the way, check it out).

I have written and composed a phenomenal amount of music which has seen very little exposure so far. I’ve written piano pieces, ballads, soundtrack style, thematic cues and electronic style sequenced music. I have a couple of published songs/scores but most took place in the 80’s. But now that’s going to change if I make it change.

You can make it change too.

There is a skill or talent that we all can attest to in our lives. Writers, artists, composers, teachers and mentors exist at some level in all of us. The time is now to pursue the quest.

Tomorrow will not wait for you.

Don’t wait as long as I have.

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