Freedom to fail

A journey to create

I want freedom from my wants. Freedom to explore my ideas and expend my talents without jeopardizing the fragile comforts I’ve worked so hard to acquire. I want the freedom to not care about my smile, hair, nails, attractiveness, ego, acne, tone of voice, and need for affirmation. But with the gluttony of choices and the importance on perception, finding the resources to fail feels like an impossible task.

Just out of grad school, I scored a sweet job with a predominate accounting firm in Silicon Valley and my first day at work was a sunny Monday in August 2007. I’m not sure of the exact date, but it was somewhere between August 9th (when news first broke about the eventual US mortgage debt crisis) and September 15th (when Lehman Brothers went bankrupt). While I saw the news report about US mortgage debt stuff, I was blinded by my bright future and the news blended in with the white noise of the daily broadcast. It wasn’t until I overheard a conversation between two Lehman new hires saying “that they will never see their start date” when it finally hit me that something tangible was happening around me. It was no longer a financial fiction on NPR only affecting the investment portfolios of folks that I would never meet.

Before reality hit on September 15th, I strutted to my first day of work in my crisp white shirt, sensible pumps, creased brown slacks, pearl set, and laptop bag and arrived to join my starting class of eager tax accountants for orientation and a champagne lunch. The champagne lunch was a special event to celebrate the new partner promotions for the year, this wasn’t a Wolf of Wall Street situation. This was the largest group of partner promotions for the firm since the dot com boom in 2000.

When I look back at the juxtaposition between me on this day (flute raised and hypnotized by opportunity of my new wonderful life) and the impending doom of the financial crisis of the world around me, I laugh maniacally…Ha! Bahahaha! What the fuck was I thinking?

In the days, weeks, months, and years to come, there wasn’t another partner promotion in my tenor at the firm and I quickly woke up to the mortality of my socioeconomic status. While I never experienced the overt discrimination of the my parents and ancestors, I did feel the chill abandon of not being connected. As a professional black woman in the finance industry, I am hyper aware of my lack of connection to a legacy of privilege. In the Silicon Valley office, I was one of two black tax professionals at out of three hundred, the black demographic didn’t even make up a percentage point.

During my tenor at the firm, I

As you can see, I didn’t have much time for self care, introspection, or creativity in-between work, trips to the dry cleaners, and drinking for sanity sake. It wasn’t all bad, I chose this path out of passion and managed to find some wickedly smart and interesting characters along the way, but the corporate squeeze left me suffocated for creativity.

This is my story and I share it to show how easy it is to let the weight of corporate life squeeze you out any opportunity to fail. During this time in my life, I was living paycheck to paycheck with the crippling fear I would get fired and my career wold end before it ever began. Therefore, I was laser focused on the carrot the firm dangled out in front of me in the form of 3 bedroom homes in Las Gatos, condos in the city, Mercedes Benz, designer jeans, high powered spouses, frequent flyer miles, fine wine and steak dinners. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had inadvertently positioned myself into the fruitful life of an ideal consumer…I work, I want, I work, I want, I work, I want! The more I want the more fearful I am to loose what I have. I cannot fail.

To fail and not loose my life is the luxury. Not that totally awesome pool party my skinny-not-so-friendly facebook friend went to, as evidenced by her lame Instagram pics with the comment “lite AF😎”. I guarantee you she’s currently sunburn, dehydrated, hungry, and angry (aka, hangry because her boyfriend just fucked some bitch that’s skinnier than her #irony).

My only want these days is the freedom to fail. To find what little human capital I have to spend and gamble on an idea and fail and fail again. What do I wished existed in the world that is not already available on Amazon Prime? Fuck that skinny bitch pool party. I don’t need a new coach, Game of Thrones will still be confusing no matter what the couch. And that Free People dress that would make my tits look great is still prone to margarita stains.

To get started, here’s my first idea to fail. A roller skating rink in Ballard featuring live music (or awesome DJ), tasty beer, cheesy pizza, and delicious ice cream called Roll Bounce. All ages are welcome, but over 21 after 9pm. Available for corporate events, birthday parties, and weddings. Open mic on Tuesdays🤓

Related posts:

I grew up watching Oprah on television and she often returned to themes of self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth. Everyone has heard of “self-love”. I always thought I loved myself, after all isn’t…

This vegan vanilla cake is pure perfection. It’s light, fluffy, and moist — with just the right amount of vanilla flavor. Top it off with my vegan buttercream frosting for a cake that’s straight from…